A Process in Four Parts
In doing inner work, often I’ll “do a process” when I have an emotion that needs to move. This is a process I recorded...
In doing inner work, often I’ll “do a process” when I have an emotion that needs to move. This is a process I recorded that explored the fact that I’m not making as much money as I’d like — why is that happening? What’s blocking me emotionally from making more?
Some of the meta I use in my sessions is on display here, and I think that’s really the cool thing in this transcript — it’s a window into the way I try to hold each part of myself in a process. I’ve bolded some common mental moves I use.
This reads like a transcript:
each line is a new part of myself speaking
things in italics are “inner” thoughts (not visible to other parts); non-italics are parts speaking to one another
things in brackets are essentially stage directions — commentary on what’s happening
I held this process for myself, and I’ve named the part of me that held the process “Holder”
Edited for clarity.
I
Holder: What’s wrong with making the amount of money I’m making right now?
I spent more than I made last month.
Holder: That feels like rational part of my brain, and I want to find the emotional part underneath that. I expect that’s where I’ll be able to get traction on the stuckness here. I’m going to look for fear.
Holder: What’s scary about making the amount of money I’m making right now?
Spending more than I make feels existence ending. It feels like I am going to die if I spend more money than I make.
[Other parts of me are agreeing; it is somewhat actually true that I need to be spending less than I make every month]
Holder: Okay, great, this is a real problem in my life. I’m not going to gaslight myself into just “feeling through the fear” and “accepting” something that is fundamentally not working for me. My next curiosity is: If I can clearly feel that I don’t want things to be this way, why have I not done something to change the situation yet?
II
Holder: What comes up when I imagine taking action to change this?
I don’t know what to do. I’m confused. It feels defeatist.
Holder: This feels like a powerless, helpless victim part. I’m trying to remember if I have any good frame shifts for victim parts…Existential kink comes up, I’ll try that.
Holder: Is there a part that loves feeling confused and not knowing what to do? That loves feeling powerless and helpless?
Whenever I think of running out of money I start thinking about the list of people who I think might lend me money and bail me out. I like waiting to be saved.
Holder: Noticing that this part doesn’t ever actually want to be saved. It wants to wait and think about who might save it.
Holder: What do you get out of waiting to be saved?
I get a conviction that I am going to be saved, and that I’m safe. I know someone will show up to take care of me when I really really need it. But I can’t ever actually need it, because I’m afraid to test if people will actually show up. I also can’t ever actually not need it, because then everyone might leave me.
Holder: This part seems like it believes that if I don’t need anything, then I will be abandoned. The only way it knows how to get connection is by needing. It also feels really young, like it’s stuck in childhood. My first instinct here is to see if I can re-orient that child part towards needing from myself instead of needing from other people.
[Imagining doing that & it feels dissatisfying]
That doesn’t feel like the right direction. Let’s try showing her that she doesn’t currently need financial support from other people — and even though she currently doesn’t need it, she is also connected. See how she responds to evidence that contradicts her belief.
[I felt the resonance of the sentence if I don’t need anything from someone, then I feel disconnected. Cried about this for a little bit.]
Holder: This contradicting evidence will likely be more powerful if it comes from a part of myself that genuinely knows how to feel connected without needing anything. [Searching] I actually can’t find that part in myself, so I’m gonna make a note that this is an important theme for me to come back to, and then I’m gonna move forward here with imagining what it would be like to feel connected while I don’t need anything.
[Imagining what it would feel like to be connected while not needing anything]
[In imagining it, I actually found a part of myself that has an imprint of what that kind of interaction feels like. It was there on a trip that I took with my partner. By the second day I felt like all of my needs had been met, and I felt really stable and secure and connected.]
Holder: Okay, so, part that thinks you have to need in order to connect, would you be okay with looking at this other part over here?
Yes
Holder: So here’s this part of me that felt connected on the trip with my partner, and I also didn’t feel like I needed anything from him at that time.
[Crying from the part of me that doesn’t know how to connect without needing]
I want that. I want that life. I want that kind of connection — it feels more adult and more clean, like I’m connecting from a place where actually I’m OK on my own and I’m still in connection. I want that now.
Holder: I’m feeling complete on this — no feelings still active here, and that part feels like its belief was updated — so now I’m gonna go back up the tree to other things that come up when I imagine making more money. There was that confused part, and I want to know what else is at that branch of the tree.
III
Holder: So going back to the premise, I would agree that I’m not making as much money as I want to right now. What resistances come up now when I imagine making more money?
Everyone will hate me if I make more money. I’m gonna be attacked.
Holder: I’m wondering how old that part is. [Approaching part with curiosity]
If I start making more money everyone will hate me so I have to do it in secret. Whatever I do it has to be a secret.
Holder: What would happen if you told people? What would happen if it wasn’t a secret?
I would die. They would kill me. They would hate me.
Holder: I’m noticing the feeling of this part being less malleable and open, and so first I want to check in about whether this is a safe topic to broach.
Holder: Is this safe to go into?
Yes
Holder: I think the path here is talking to that part about how it feels to be using this strategy in the world and then seeing if we could get its needs met some other way. It sounds like its needs are something like not getting killed or not being hated. Let’s see if we can find a way to get those needs met without blocking me from making more money.
[Crying from that part, really feeling its fear while keeping contact with the Holder]
I believe that if I make more money, I will get attention for it and that if people pay attention to me, they will hurt me.
Holder: There are two beliefs here, and the second one (if people pay attention to me, they will hurt me) feels too big for me to process right now. I’m just going to see if I can move the belief that if I make more money, I will get attention for it. Tell me more about how making more money will mean that you get attention.
All of the ways I’m thinking about making more money require putting more attention on me, like coaching or going paid on my blog or becoming a consultant and having to market myself. They all involve marketing myself and that feels really really scary.
Holder: Just trying to get a sense of how far this belief extends: Why don’t you become a nanny? How would that feel?
That would feel so relaxing to me! Other parts of me that wouldn’t like it for other reasons, but that would feel so good to me.
Holder: I’m wanting to wrap up soon. From the other parts of me & context outside of this process, it feels pretty clear that what I really want is to start coaching soon. I don’t feel resourced enough to get into a process right now about my fears in marketing myself and drawing attention to myself, so as part of wrapping up I’m just going to check whether coaching is actually really deeply the direction I want to work towards. If yes, I will make a note to do more processing later on the blockers that come up to prevent me from doing that specifically. Do I actually wanna be a coach?
No.
Holder: Where is that no coming from?
I don’t want people to look at me.
Holder: That feels like the part I just bookmarked. I know I need to come back to it before I actually start becoming a coach or marketing myself. Does anybody else not wanna be a coach?
I loved coaching last time I tried it! I hated marketing myself, but all the other parts of me want to do it again. It feels aligned in my body.
Holder: OK, I’m feeling good about ending for today. I want to wrap up with what I’m taking with me:
1) I have this part that I thought that it had to need things in order to stay in connection with people. I think that part is mostly integrated now, but I’m also gonna be aware of tracking if that belief comes up again
2) Most of me wants to start coaching, but I have this fear of people putting their attention on me and then hurting me, and that part is not ready. I’ll do another session on that and see what happens.
IV
Holder: Seems weird that I’m going to post a transcript publicly of a process where I’m afraid of having attention on me, and then not even resolving that fear in the process. Does anyone not want to post this transcript?
[No parts dissent, just excitement comes up]
Holder: Huh, cool, I guess I don’t believe that all attention is scary, or maybe I believe that literally no one reads my blog (hi), or maybe the attention doesn’t count if it’s not in person.
That resonates — if I’m not directly receiving it face-to-face in the moment, it feels OK.